Self-Compassion

These days we are constantly receiving the message that we are not enough. The advertising industry is a multi-trillion-dollar machine intent on telling us that there is something wrong with us, and that their product has the solution to fix us.

So many of us, myself included, came to this practice of meditation and mindfulness because we thought we were going to fix ourselves or get rid of the unacceptable parts of ourselves. This is the shadow side of having a commitment to personal growth. It’s what happens when we leave self-compassion out of our mindfulness practice.

This practice is about looking at what is here and making friends with ourselves. The reason this is so important, particularly in the beginning, is that it can be quite daunting to be quiet and observe our thoughts, our feelings, and our wounds. I remember when I first start practicing, I realized that if someone else spoke to me the way I spoke to myself, I wouldn’t be friends with that person anymore. Self-compassion is about learning to speak to ourselves the way we would speak to a good friend… with kindness, non-judgment, and self-acceptance.

Self-Compassion has 3 main components:

1) Mindfulness: First, we must notice and acknowledge that we are suffering.

“Ouch, this hurts.” “I’m feeling sad.” “I’m feeling angry.”

2) Common humanity: Recognize that every. single. human. on this planet also experiences difficult emotions. We all feel sad. We all feel angry. We all hurt. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. This is part of the human condition.

“Everyone suffers.” “I’m not alone.”

3)Self-kindness: We bring kindness to our suffering, just like we would if someone we love is struggling.

“May I be kind to myself.” “May I love and accept myself just as I am.”

If you would like to try a kindness practice, here is a link to my guided loving-kindness practice.

'When people start to meditate, they often think that somehow they're going to improve, which is a sort of subtle aggression against who they are. It's a bit like saying, “If I jog, I'll be a much better person.” “If I could only get a nicer house, I'd be a better person”. “If I could meditate and calm down, I'd be a better person”…But compassion towards ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. It means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try and change ourselves. Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.

-Pema Chodron